School Story Collector Gifts

Teacher to parent: 'He's been transferred from Detention to a Minimum Security Facility.'

I WILL NOT COMMENT ON MS. STEMPEL'S WART

'Well, my boy may be reading at the third grade level, but he's swearing at the sixth grade level.'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

Newborn making the V-sign

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Aladdin's Cave of Wonder

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

'Neat photo Lucy, I'll put it up in my room... Do you have any drawing pins?'

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

'Yep, I did eat his homework, but he begged me to.'

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"As I call each of your names, please answer by saying 'Present'"

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

"I know about the tooth fairy, but I feel a bit young to be selling off my body parts!"

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."