Scholastic Storyteller Gifts

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'He was a handsome young prince when I married him.'

',,,And we'd really like a heart for the Tin Man,,,'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

"#notguilty."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

I miss recess!

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"A plague of frogs? Awesome!"

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

"I had half a date last weekend."

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

"It's 'Architectural Digest.' "