Store Critic Gifts

SupermarketAwful Market.

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Your lobster was off!

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Stock market investment advice

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"This is a big seller, and we get them cheap...from China."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

"And how would you like your steak?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."