Chain Store Critic Gifts

Another Starbucks Coming Soon

Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

What's really in junk food...

GM Foods.

"I take it this is why it's called Brickview Estates."

"Oh look, the proposed site for the model Tesco's."

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.

TV Dinners, Now in High Definition.

'If we let this happen, soon we'll be swamped in chain stores.'

To avoid malnutrition, throw away the contents and eat the package.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. . . already marked down for clearance and it's not even Halloween yet."

Reality TV dinners.

'I'm shooting for early retirement, opening a small restaurant, building it into a chain, and the - early retirement again.'

Early Goths.

"If there are more than two people in front of you - we will open another superstore."

"What town are we in??"

'...Proof that once there were small business on Mars!'

"In every instance, the invading species replaced the native species."

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'

Pre-digested convenience foods.

Man has chains on him, along with his pet dog and a fire plug.

"Okay, so what do we add?"

"A dark night of the soul? I had one of those once! OK, here's what you do: book passage on a Caribbean cruise, buy a new car and a couple gazillion-inch TVs. As I recall, that pretty much took care of mine!"

Buyables. Disposables.

"They'd better be some damn fine oboes."

'Let's be careful this morning, the patient's wife informed me that he broke a chain-letter recently.'

Book barn: now with 50% less irony

Stupid T-Shirt

Consumer Complaints.

'Frozen dinners have more calories if you heat them up.'

'More mashed potatoes?'

"And how may we irritate you today?"

'I got a 'two for one' on the headstones.'

"Would you like to try some of our over-the-counter drugs while you wait for your prescription?"

'Another 10 slice toaster? Great. And what happens if you don't make any friends?'