Chain Store Critic T-Shirts

Another Starbucks Coming Soon

Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

What's really in junk food...

GM Foods.

If you don't see what you want, we don't serve your kind here.

"Oh look, the proposed site for the model Tesco's."

TV Dinners, Now in High Definition.

'If we let this happen, soon we'll be swamped in chain stores.'

To avoid malnutrition, throw away the contents and eat the package.

'I'm shooting for early retirement, opening a small restaurant, building it into a chain, and the - early retirement again.'

"If there are more than two people in front of you - we will open another superstore."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. . . already marked down for clearance and it's not even Halloween yet."

Early Goths.

"What town are we in??"

'...Proof that once there were small business on Mars!'

Man has chains on him, along with his pet dog and a fire plug.

"Okay, so what do we add?"

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'

Pre-digested convenience foods.

"A dark night of the soul? I had one of those once! OK, here's what you do: book passage on a Caribbean cruise, buy a new car and a couple gazillion-inch TVs. As I recall, that pretty much took care of mine!"

Buyables. Disposables.

'Let's be careful this morning, the patient's wife informed me that he broke a chain-letter recently.'

Book barn: now with 50% less irony

"They'd better be some damn fine oboes."

Consumer Complaints.

'Frozen dinners have more calories if you heat them up.'

'More mashed potatoes?'

"And how may we irritate you today?"

'I got a 'two for one' on the headstones.'

"Would you like to try some of our over-the-counter drugs while you wait for your prescription?"

Valu-Mart Price Scanner: Piece of Junk.

"Why can't they just build one big one...."