Chain Cafe Critic Gifts

"Why can't they just build one big one...."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'It's my favorite.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

"And how would you like your steak?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."