Stock Market Jester Gifts

'My advice is: Don't put all your eggs in one basket.'

"Now, where was I?"

'There's been a slight devaluation.'

'I'm a 100% consistent investor. I buy bonds when I should buy stocks when I should buy bonds.'

"...here, to explain it all is a leading schizophrenia expert."

"I don't have the specifics yet, but my protractor shows your portfolio is up 8 degrees."

"We have different investment strategies, but we're still drinking buddies."

'I had a rough year in the market. I can't attract gold diggers anymore. The best I can hope for is a silver digger.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

Investments.

'One look at you and I thought 'footsie world stock fund.''

"Hey... the recycle bin is full of shares."

"We need to shelter him from all news about economic indicators!"

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

'All right, gentlemen, this is the current picture of our growth industry!'

"That new drug causes flatulence."

...this is what we called a seasonal downturn.

'Please come back in...our shares are dropping fast.'

'Believe me, sir - Entertainment is a very serious business!'

You're as sound as my investment portfolio!

'Welcome stockholders of 'Worldwide Novelty Products'.'

Smutty Stocks for Smutty Times!

"I just bought 50 shares of IBM...International Barking Mammals!"

'I'm rerady to announce a two-for-one split.'

"So how long have you worked on Wall Street?"

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

Why markets crash.

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."