Investor Jester Gifts

'Since the stock market is a metaphor for life, in the past 12 months there were lots of ups and downs...'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'And I'm happy to say, that since the merger...'

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

'I play so hard that I have no time to work hard.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

"Remember...when the going gets tough...DELEGATE!"

'What's wrong now?'

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

Career Choices

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Why markets crash.

"Dear, did something happen at the office?"

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten!