Real Estate Jester Gifts

'I'm not the sitting tenant, I'm your husband.'

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

I actually said 'Buy to let' sir!

New HOSTILE Mortgage Company

"He's considered a fixture, so he's included with the house."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

Why markets crash.

"Unless one is a humorist, Haskins. One should avoid attempts at humor."

'WELL, that certainly was a frank discussion! Shall we proceed to the inevitable apologies, retractions and clarifications?'

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'Wait a minute....!

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'Have you seen the ruddy margins the Chinese expect us to take up for this work?'

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"