Investment Joker Gifts

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

'No. The last time I tried to get my money to work for me it ran off and left me.'

'Stocks dropped on news Greenspan's memoirs will contain no insider trading information...'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

"You need to diversify your portfolio. Put half into hunting and half into gathering."

"Tell me more about Armageddon. I think it may have potential as an exchange-traded fund."

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

'I'm Albert Mooney, your temp broker, and I'm on a work release program outa attica.'

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

"We've got a new financial advisor. I asked him how to cut down on out of pocket expenses and he said to stop wearing clothes with pockets."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'I think I know what the problem is!'

Why markets crash.

'We decided the current system for reviewing corporation tax was too complex so we'll trial the 'think of a number and then double it' method.'

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

"And they say it's the safest 500-P/E stock out there."

Happy New Year...we feel a little overtime won't hurt you.

'These are tough times for wall street tycoons...the best we can do is laugh half-way to the banks.'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

"Oh, him? He's the guy who changes the interest rate when it's set by the fed."

The stock market sky is falling.

Money mangagement see-saw.

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

Sales - We could try a 'free offer' but it would cost us.

Investing 101 Acronym Test.