Sticky-shelled Philosopher Gifts

"I don't get it, everybody talks about 'working from home' as if it's something new."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Kid to fellow fisherman: 'Why do they stink like fish when they've been bathing this whole time?'

Reverse psychology

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"Take your first left and then keep turning left until you eventually float to the top."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

Hamlet in the craft shop.

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

KNITEO ERGO SUM!

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"It Works For Us."

"Did you ever notice, the snow is always whiter on the other side of the glacier?"

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

Fish Food

'I've been under a lot of pressure.' (Diver on therapist's couch).

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

Phrenology - Braille Edition.