Statistician Giggler Gifts

The average family is now three point one.

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

Clown God

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Wait! Stop! He changed his mind."

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

Bell Curve. Bell Curve after a few beers.

Cavemen Exhibit

Moses' first encounter with the burning bush didn't go well.

'I can't hire you, but I can sell you some stock in the company.'

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

2pm meet your Creator

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

Satis Factory Tour

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

'Our crime figures are down!'

I am one with stupid.

Cuts, Measurements, Certain, Sloppy

"Can you write 'To Mandy - you're the best'?"

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

'...with a 38% chance that death do us part.'

'Whoops!'

'Finally some good news on the economy: four out of five economists agree that 80% if economists agree.'

'Well, it's official: The yearly statistics are out and our most common cause of death is by being squashed!'

Economic Errata

When suddenly the clouds parted and down came Jeez, a god appalled by how his name is used in vain.

'They're evolving like mad -- You put in way too many cosmic rays!'

Room for Error

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'I can't let him back in to play. He couldn't tell me what he's making this year.'

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

"The bar charts show out clients overwhelmingly prefer pie charts."