Statistic Storyteller Gifts

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

Trying to describe the size of the Big Bang.

Accountant Manqué

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

Economist!

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'Our crime figures are down!'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

Sciense. How can biodiversity be decreasing with so many species of Pokemon out there?

"Actually, I don't know anybody here. I was just passing the house when I heard all the fun."

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

The Miracle Worker

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but statistics show that 43% of 456 people covering 56% of the total demographic were 67% sure that we're really a lot of fun!"

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

'I'm sick of writing grant proposals on spec.'

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'There is indeed a strong correlation between the arrival of white men and the decrease in buffalo population...'

The Stat family

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'

"Study after study shows that more and more people are participating in studies."

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

"So far, decliners outnumber advancers nine to seven."

'Remember, Fenton, polling results are in the eye of the manipulator.'

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'