Statistic Enthusiast Gifts

'But if we didn't measure things we wouldn't know how good we were at measuring the things that we're measuring.'

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'Did you know women live longer than men?'

'Most accidents happen within 10 miles of your home.'

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

"Did you know that in the UK, a car is stolen every 5 seconds..."

"Why do you still drink, smoke and eat fatty foods?"

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'

US Federal Statistics: Meaningful and Meaningless,

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'Did you know that most accidents happen within one mile of your home?'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"And this new set of polls tracks people's reactions to our last set of polls."

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

"No, he's not in right now, he's out demographing."

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

'Our crime figures are down!'

Bank Robbery Statistics

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

"Frankly, Harold, you're beginning to bore everyone with your statistics."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'Number 20 is up. His batting average is 320 and his drug tests are negative.'

'The idea of an artists' retreat is to get AWAY from business concerns, Mr. Harlow.'

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.