Statistics Lover Gifts

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Frankly, Harold, you're beginning to bore everyone with your statistics."

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

"You'll be pleased to know you're making good progress - you've just become a statistic."

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"As a statistics cruncher, you might enjoy my recipe for blueberry fool."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

"No, he's not in right now, he's out demographing."

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

Bank Robbery Statistics

'Our crime figures are down!'

'According to the latest data, our social media post rankings are staying fairly consistent with consumers, hovering just below cat shaming memes.'

"I hate to be a downer, but, statistically, people are more likely to die of heart disease than by getting

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'The idea of an artists' retreat is to get AWAY from business concerns, Mr. Harlow.'

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

The statistician marrying the probability expert...

Social median

'The time? Yes, it's VII ... no, hang on, er ... IX ... uh ... oh, for God's sake, it's half nine, OK?'

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

The Miracle Worker

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'