Statistic Aficionado Gifts

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"No, he's not in right now, he's out demographing."

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'Our crime figures are down!'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

Bank Robbery Statistics

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

"Frankly, Harold, you're beginning to bore everyone with your statistics."

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

'The idea of an artists' retreat is to get AWAY from business concerns, Mr. Harlow.'

'Number 20 is up. His batting average is 320 and his drug tests are negative.'

The statistician marrying the probability expert...

Social median

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'

"Study after study shows that more and more people are participating in studies."

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

The Stat family

"You'll be pleased to know you're making good progress - you've just become a statistic."

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'