Statistician Storyteller Gifts

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Wait! Stop! He changed his mind."

Trying to describe the size of the Big Bang.

Economist!

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

Satis Factory Tour

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

Sciense. How can biodiversity be decreasing with so many species of Pokemon out there?

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

Economic Errata

The Miracle Worker

'Well, it's official: The yearly statistics are out and our most common cause of death is by being squashed!'

'Finally some good news on the economy: four out of five economists agree that 80% if economists agree.'

'I'm sick of writing grant proposals on spec.'

'There is indeed a strong correlation between the arrival of white men and the decrease in buffalo population...'

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'I can't let him back in to play. He couldn't tell me what he's making this year.'

"Study after study shows that more and more people are participating in studies."

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'

"The bar charts show out clients overwhelmingly prefer pie charts."

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

"So far, decliners outnumber advancers nine to seven."

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."

'Yes, there's safety in numbers, but only when the number is large: Tight now, we have only a 50% chance of surviving a deadly attack...'

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'