Statistician With A Twist Gifts

'Well, it's official: The yearly statistics are out and our most common cause of death is by being squashed!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Wait! Stop! He changed his mind."

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

Satis Factory Tour

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

'Our crime figures are down!'

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

"Any questions?"

Remember, statistics are in the eye of the manipulator.

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

'Finally some good news on the economy: four out of five economists agree that 80% if economists agree.'

Economic Errata

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'

'I can't let him back in to play. He couldn't tell me what he's making this year.'

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'

"Study after study shows that more and more people are participating in studies."

"So far, decliners outnumber advancers nine to seven."

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'

'That's one of my earlier pieces.'

"Johnson breaks record so obscure even nerds don't care."