Starting A Teaching Job Gifts

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"I've got the ninth grade chemistry class this term."

'Sorry, kid...that's it.'

'I don't suppose any of you wee bams know how spell, 'mutual respect.''

'To them, capital punishment means making them use proper capitalization.'

'Be innovative and prepared. Have clearly defined educational objectives for each lesson. Write legibly on the board. Be firm and fair. Now go. You have a class to teach.'

Our staff are well trained and can deal with most situations calmly and patiently.

'I start every class with a review of the basics - stay in you seat, don't call out, and don't act out.'

Teacher's Lounge: 'Do Not Enter' sign aimed at children.

I'm introducing fractions today. I hope at least half the class will understand the lesson.

'Well, when you mess up on the job, you know where you stand with me.'

Good Luck Cards: Teaching Common Core.

"For the next few hours, I'll be bringing you info with no tainment."

"So help me, if one more first grader asks 'Why teacher?'. . . I think I'll scream!"

A Puppet Named Juan

"No Timmy, I don't think your pencil has system requirments or upgrades you can download from the internet."

'From six to to eighteen, they're always at that age.'

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

'What amazes me most is that years ago I couldn't even spell teacher - now I are one!'

How to deliver a successful presentation.

'What begins with 'E'? Well, 'Everything'!'

'OOO, I've thought of a new one! Two squiggles and a backwards G!'

"Remember, education pays, unless you end up an adjunct - like me."

Chicken soup for the adjunct professors soul

Staff Yearbook

"So...do you have a job now?"

'Kiddie school is teaching about sharing; and someone shared their cold with Jennie,'

'We're looking for impartial people who think the way we do.'

"Today in class we're going to create a physics teacher."

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

"Hey, you guys, don't you remember? The big word here is 'compromise.' "

'The trouble with education is everyone knows how to teach, but nobody knows how to learn.'

'New career low - gave out a page of Ulysses to my freshmen and they thought it was a wordsearch.'

'If 'v' is the number of qualified physics teachers, and 'c' is the number of unqualified science teachers, this factor reduces to zero.'

"Remember double negatives are a complete no-no."