Standardized Test Critic Gifts

"Are you sure you're not just teaching to the test?"

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

'If I don't chew this, my S.A.T. scores will skyrocket.'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'What I don't like about computers is that you can't fire them.'

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"

Caveman sees comment section below cave drawings,

"You'll never believe who's here."

Seamus Heaney

Samuel Beckett

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.