Sat Critic Gifts

Boys score better than girls on SATs. Practice tests. That's so unfair. Don't stress! They're pointless tests with idiotic questions that are useless in real life. Ah!

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

Movies vs. Films

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'What I don't like about computers is that you can't fire them.'

The new Physics

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

"Now this is what I call an honest little pub!"

Samuel Beckett

"You'll never believe who's here."

Seamus Heaney

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"