Speaker Critic Gifts

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Well, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

Reading my Critics

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Sorry, the sound of your chewing sends me into a rage."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'He speaks for our entire generation. Pity he's such a bore...'

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

Movies vs. Films

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

How's my sermon. . .

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

"You'll never believe who's here."

Samuel Beckett