School Critic Gifts

School Testing

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'Anybody else want to know why we have to do this dumb assignment?'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

RFK School

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'How many furlough days do they get?'

St.Titanics primary, "It's a sink school."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Do you have to write the 5 paragraph essays to be a rich investment banker? Or rock star? Or famous actress? No. No. And no. Then why learn to write one? So when those jobs don't work out

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'