Standardized Test Satirist Gifts

"Remember, there are 4 types of questions on the Advanced Placement tests: multiple choice, document based, essay and 'How would you like to drive big rigs for a living?'"

Ethics exam cheater.

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'If I don't chew this, my S.A.T. scores will skyrocket.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

Giving feedback is a complex process.

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"The figures would seem to indicate that you're not really a scientist."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

"Are you sure you're not just teaching to the test?"

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

Thomas Carlyle

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

'Think Basics.'

"...And you get hazardous pay for study hall periods."

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

Cash For Places - Penbroke College