Stand-up Voter Gifts

Polling Place. Vote Here. I think we should do away with one person, one vote, and allocate votes directly proportional to how long you're forced to stand in line.

Snowprov

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The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Michael McIntyre.

'I know I was just here yesterday, but the courts ordered a recount.'

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

Woody Allen

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

'The stand-up geneticist'

Stand up comedy for four-year-olds.

Phill Jupitus

Comedy course highlights fake nose

The Stand-Up Gastroenterologist

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

"And, in this corner, weighing five pounds more than she'd like..."

David Letterman

'You said he wasn't a dirty comedian. This guy is filthy!'

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

Dry Blood Humor

"You're gonna love this guy's act. He's, like, 'not funny, funny, not funny.'"

David Letterman