Stand-up Observer Gifts

'Do we want a box of raisins? Mister, this is Halloween, not audition night at the comedy club!'

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"Personally, I'm a doer."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

"He's only an associate but he's already reaping at a partner's level."

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

John Kerry making a speak: 'What'd he say?'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

Trump attempting to pull down the thinker

Giant screen displays conference delegates and not the speaker.

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

'Sometimes I think you're on a different planet.'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

"Die alone"

TV and man

"Miss Winthrop, tell my callers that I'm busy with the World Bank."

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

A well-dressed panhandler holds a sign that reads "Will argue for food".

"I'm going to use my tax cut to trickle down on you all."

"What's the matter? Not puffy enough for you?"

"I haven't seen their work before, I like their use of light!"

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Joy Behar?'

'How can you be so cheap?'

"Excuse me, have you seen a large gent with a red coat and face to match."

"I've half a mind to protest."

Planning Office - Acquired by Tesco

'How come your notebook has a sudoku puzzle on it?'

Terrorist Save.

The artist

Next on Fox! Clowns Without Makeup.

"After I had my eyes lasered, the people down there stopped looking like ants. Plump, furry and delicious little rodents, yes, but not ants!"

Road signs point to various things to buy including "women's wear", "office supplies" and "household appliances".