Stand-up Observer Gifts

'Do we want a box of raisins? Mister, this is Halloween, not audition night at the comedy club!'

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"Personally, I'm a doer."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"He's only an associate but he's already reaping at a partner's level."

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

Trump attempting to pull down the thinker

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

Giant screen displays conference delegates and not the speaker.

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

John Kerry making a speak: 'What'd he say?'

"No, no, your job's not going out of the country to some foreign bastard. We're just firing you."

'Sometimes I think you're on a different planet.'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

A well-dressed panhandler holds a sign that reads "Will argue for food".

TV and man

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

"I'm going to use my tax cut to trickle down on you all."

"Some other news, China declares war on Peru, ISIS blows up the pyramids and the pope resigns. Now back to more comments from David Bowie fans."

"Die alone"

"Miss Winthrop, tell my callers that I'm busy with the World Bank."

'How can you be so cheap?'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Joy Behar?'

"What's the matter? Not puffy enough for you?"

"I haven't seen their work before, I like their use of light!"

"Excuse me, have you seen a large gent with a red coat and face to match."

"I've half a mind to protest."

Planning Office - Acquired by Tesco

"After I had my eyes lasered, the people down there stopped looking like ants. Plump, furry and delicious little rodents, yes, but not ants!"

Road signs point to various things to buy including "women's wear", "office supplies" and "household appliances".

The artist

Next on Fox! Clowns Without Makeup.

'How come your notebook has a sudoku puzzle on it?'