Stand-up Standee Gifts

"Tonight is open mike, n'est-ce pas?"

Snowprov

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"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Applause

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

Canine Comedians

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

Jokes machine.

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'I haven't been feeling funny lately doctor.'

Bob Monkhouse

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

Michael McIntyre.

"Deal with it Your Majesty- Comedy is king!"