Stand-up Standee Gifts

"Tonight is open mike, n'est-ce pas?"

Snowprov

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"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

Canine Comedians

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Jokes machine.

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'I haven't been feeling funny lately doctor.'

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"Deal with it Your Majesty- Comedy is king!"

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"