Spreadsheet Wizard Gifts

"It's up to you now, Miller. The only thing that can save us is an accounting breakthrough."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'I've analyzed, condensed and simplified the data...it was a good quarter.'

'We're in good shape. Nobody understands our financial statement.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'We've got all the figures, we just haven't decided what order to put them in!'

'Looks good. Let me run it past the number-crunchers.'

"The good news is that I've got all the figures...the bad news is that I'm not sure what order I'm meant to put them in!"

When Accountants get Schizophrenia

"O.K., I'm good for I.T.—how about spreadsheets, anybody here good at spreadsheets?"

'Now, using a little accounting magic on your tax return, one and one equals three.'

Eventually they found someone to do the math, and because nothing added up, they went out of business.

"The quarterly earnings don't look good. We seem to be in a bit of a slump."

"Well, there it is in black and white - we're in the red."

"I don't understand why people don't trust our figures...I mean we've gone over them..again and again. All three of us!"

'Happy financial New Year!'

"We don't need to reinvent the wheel - just the earnings report."

'My spreadsheet says we must lighten by 152 pounds.'

'We're pretty sure we've got all the right figures, we're just not sure what order to put them in!'

Accounting Department

'And that's with massaging the numbers!'

"I've worked out all the figures, we're just not sure what order to put them in!"

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

Lester crosses that very fine line separating cost accounting from performance art...

"Watching him work those spreadsheets all day can be very relaxing."

Accounting Fantasy Camp

"These projected figures are a figment of our imagination. We hope you like them."

'I want the sales chart removed - everyone's calling me Conehead!'

'I've added this up six times and still can't get it to balance!'

'Tell me Henderson: Does this report accurately reflect the firm's financial status, or are you just trying to freak us out?'

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

'We should know soon. He's just running the numbers by upper management.'

"Rachel, our new person in accounting, has put together this projection for the next quarter based on skootching a bit to the right and looking out the window."

"Have you heard of the phrase 'Damn Lies and Statistics'?. Well apparently the statistics WERE 'damn lies'."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."