Spreadsheet Wizards Gifts

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'The numbers don't lie... Damn them!'

'The outside accounting firm we hire is demanding to get paid in cash.'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Out and In.

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'And that's with massaging the numbers!'

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"