Spreadsheet Guru Gifts

'I think the problem is that you're using generally acceptable accounting practices.'

Why should two plus two equal four?

'Must have been the 'gross' margins.'

Brian was rapidly loosing confidence in his accountant.

PAYMASTER, 'I'm sorry, Mr. Fergus, but your deductions won again this week.'

"Of course I see things differently than you, Beckman...and they're a lot plainer"

That's the company accountant.

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"I told you. . . it's your turn to do Mr. Small's accounts!"

"Have you included the loss of my reputation?"

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Out and In.

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I hate performance review season."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"I love your optimism."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"