Spreadsheet Lover Gifts

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

'Hang on a minute! We forgot to write down that check number in the giant register...'

'The dog ate my tax receipts...'

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Out and In.

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"I love your optimism."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

Tax Collector

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'