Spreadsheet Aficionado Gifts

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

We're looking at a six figure return. Unfortunately, they're all zeros.

'I always wanted to be an accountant. There's safety in numbers, you know.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

'This is Caldwell in accounting calling to let everyone know that I'm getting really sick of accounting.'

'Just remember, next year you'll be calling this 'the good old days'.'

"Don't worry, sir. There's plenty of time to recover if there's a fifth quarter this year."

"Well, I've been through all your finances with a fine tooth comb. In hindsight maybe I should have used a calculator!"

People think accountancy is just about numbers, but there is also the fractions, the percentages

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'

"Hi, I'm Bob Darrel. I'm here to perform the audit of your books. Don't mind the vultures. They follow me everywhere."

'I'm here about the tax credits for business equipment which you listed in your return as 'Betty', 'Mabel', 'Liz'...'

"Hmm.... now I hadn't noticed THAT before..."

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers