Spreadsheet Specialist Gifts

'I know figures don't lie. Your job is to make them.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Try to think of bankruptcy as an accounting procedure.

"Today, we will talk about your phony numbers. We will not talk about the I.R.S. having too many cooks!"

"Of course I didn't throw out all the receipts on purpose, and how was I to know we were going to be audited."

"Bad news I'm afraid. Last year was the best you've ever had."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Out and In.

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I hate performance review season."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"I love your optimism."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

Project Manager Showdown

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

Tax Collector

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"