Spreadsheet Magician Gifts

Let's hope they don't notice we've moved the decimal point to the right.

'50% of your figures are real, and 50% are made up.'

'This spreadsheet program has really been enhanced since I installed the Ouija board.'

Man changing alignment of graph to show profit.

'We'd like you to put together a spreadsheet listing how many sugars we each have.'

"Our clients like their accountants to use their 'imagination', but most would still prefer their returns in a spreadsheet."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"