Spreadsheet Sorcerers Gifts

Itemicia: The muse of itemized deductions

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

Overworked in the office

"I hate performance review season."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"All we have to fear is fear itself and unmet quarterly projections."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

"I think I'll have the businessman's lunch."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

End of Year Figs.

Macho talk from down in accounting.

The good news is that I've got all the figures...the BAD news is that I'm not sure what order to put them in!

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'Henry, I'm here to trim back your budget.'

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'Here's the improved margins you said you wanted to see this year, Tom.'

"This is Thompson, he has a black belt in budget control."

'First the good news.'

"We're hoping for an upturn in the 5th quarter."

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

'We've always needed an accounting magician.'

'I dunno Jim...Accountancy just doesn't thrill me like it used to.'

'This is a very bad report, Jenkins. Go to your cubicle.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

"Dunhomin"