Spreadsheet Saboteur Gifts

"Here - I've no use for spreadsheets where I'm going."

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

Overworked in the office

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"All we have to fear is fear itself and unmet quarterly projections."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"I think I'll have the businessman's lunch."

"I love your optimism."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Like it? I LOVED it! The narrative gripped me from the first sentence and didn't let go until the final, heart-stopping page! And the CHARACTERS! Without question, Harris, this is the finest year-end financial report you've ever written!'

Macho talk from down in accounting.

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

The good news is that I've got all the figures...the BAD news is that I'm not sure what order to put them in!

'Henry, I'm here to trim back your budget.'

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

Tax Collector

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'Here's the improved margins you said you wanted to see this year, Tom.'

"This is Thompson, he has a black belt in budget control."

'First the good news.'

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

"We're hoping for an upturn in the 5th quarter."

'We've always needed an accounting magician.'

'I dunno Jim...Accountancy just doesn't thrill me like it used to.'

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"