Spreadsheet Skeptic Gifts

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'Unfortunately, the next big thing on our agenda is our quarterly loss.'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"I hate performance review season."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

Never tell the boss "You can count on me" during inventory.

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

End of Year Figs.

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

Project Manager Showdown

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'