Spreadsheet Skeptic Gifts

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'Unfortunately, the next big thing on our agenda is our quarterly loss.'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"I hate performance review season."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"What comes after zillion?"

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

Macho talk from down in accounting.

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

Project Manager Showdown

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

Company profit making scheme - Jenkins, you owe us £327.95.

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

'Lou you have never gotten comfy with spreadsheets, have you?'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'I would like to return this chart. It didn't perform up to our expectations.'

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'