Spreadsheet Samurai Gifts

'Faster! The auditors are half way down the hall!'

'Here's the improved margins you said you wanted to see this year, Tom.'

"This is Thompson, he has a black belt in budget control."

'First the good news.'

Macho talk from down in accounting.

The good news is that I've got all the figures...the BAD news is that I'm not sure what order to put them in!

"So, the numbers don't add up. What if we multiply them?"

And then I charged him £5000 for an hour on 'cutting costs'.

'Shall I give it to you straight, or would you like some mild anesthetic?'

'Henry, I'm here to trim back your budget.'

"Most efficient accounting team we've had around here in a long time!"

'This is McWit. He's responsible for our really complex spreadsheets.'

Sales, output, orders, my pension - "I've checked them out and none of these areas are performing"

When accountants carry out dawn raids.

"All we have to fear is fear itself and unmet quarterly projections."

"I have been inputting garbage into my systems for 12 months, why is this spend analysis GARBAGE?!"

"I crunched the numbers and now they're so smooshed up I can't read them."

"I think I'll have the businessman's lunch."

"My biggest strength would probably be my giant chicken legs."

"Before I list the deductions from your paycheck, please understand...I just work here."

Overworked in the office

'This is a very bad report, Jenkins. Go to your cubicle.'

'Excellent Hoskins, you've got all the right numbers, now shall we see if you can put them in the right order?'

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"I need to see your budget proposal."

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."