Spouse Who Adapts Pillows

"Heirloom or not, I've got to unhang it because my wife became a vegetarian."

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

"Lenny?" "Darrell?"

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"I just knew there had to be a better use for tomatoes than making boring old sandwiches."

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

Bring Your Child To Work Day While You Work From Home

Roach Motel

'I'm coping.'

Lockdown Signpost

"Give me a sporting chance, love ... pass me my wicket-keeping gloves."

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

"You've been ages,dear-but never mind I've been patiently waiting in the pub accross the road!"

"I'm sorry, dear, but you knew I was a bureaucrat when you married me."

"You're in New York City now. You gotta lose the southern hospitality if you truly want to fit in."

"You're obviously under consideration for something."

A pirate fishes using his hook.

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

Currently, I can only offer takeout service.

"So how was the Edgar Willoughby Classic?"

'It's bad enough losing to a takeover bid, but when it's your wife who takes over....'

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

'Would someone please remind me what our original intention was?'

'My wife is out of town. That's the diet cam.'

'Woo-hoo!This is the happiest day of my life!!'

"When you have a minute love, my 'new man' t-shirt needs ironing."

'Why am I not allowed to use this agricultural road, officer? My wife always calls me 'stupid ox''!

If we lost all electrical power like India did...

Clean your mobile phone screen, sir?

"I'm going out to shovel snow. Here's five dollars if you talk me out of it."

"If that's my matching sock, I'm not here."

'I'll tell you why you never catch cold. There isn't a germ that could live with you.'

"You wouldn't like it if I woke up and wrote things down in the middle of the night."