Sports Punster Gifts

'Cricket Hits - By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat.'

J.S. Balk

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

I think you're ace

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

A faulty part from an independent supplier leads to the creation of a multibillion-dollar sports medicine profession.

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

...Isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

His Other Shtick

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

"Your manuscript is utter trash, of course. How does a half-million first printing sound to you?"

Surfin' the web.

Mobile Holmes.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

The Stand-up Petrophysicist...

Two particles outside Hadron Collider; 'Fancy getting smashed this evening?'

Henry Grumble, an editor to the bitter end.

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies

Math Dept. I can't move my hand to indicate "Hello" anymore. You mean your wave function has collapsed?

'Please stop talking to the media, Doctor. It's my job to make any rash statements.'

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'