Sports Punter Gifts

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

I think you're ace

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

A faulty part from an independent supplier leads to the creation of a multibillion-dollar sports medicine profession.

Fan-Centric Stadium

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

'Well, you were convicted on three out of ten counts - at least we beat the point spread.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

"Don't waste your money,dearie-there's only one score draw next Saturday!"

"We did the sequel, we did the prequel. There's only one option left: zombies."

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Oh, yes, he's patriotic alright - only uses the Red Lion, the White Hart and the Blue Boar!!'

'Twenty quid will be great, I'll give you it back on Thursday when I get my Giro.'

Gambler And Umpire

Three Unwise Men

Man at the winnings collection point in the bookie's is asleep.

The Return of Football

Donkey Fights

"A Japanese company will deliver to us for �6.75 a thousand."

'Cricket Hits - By Dumb-Crambo, off his own bat.'

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

J.S. Balk

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."