Puzzle Punter Gifts

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

His Other Shtick

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

Surfin' the web.

Saloon Selectives

Mobile Holmes.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

"Don't waste your money,dearie-there's only one score draw next Saturday!"

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies

I brought two #1 pencils.

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'Relax...I heard our opponents today are huge pussies.'

'It's just not your lucky night I guess - saaaay, hows about we deal fer what's in the sack big guy?!'

Gambler And Umpire

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

Keep Your End Up

"Heel."