Puzzle Punter Gifts

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

His Other Shtick

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

Surfin' the web.

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

"Don't waste your money,dearie-there's only one score draw next Saturday!"

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

I brought two #1 pencils.

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies

'Relax...I heard our opponents today are huge pussies.'

'It's just not your lucky night I guess - saaaay, hows about we deal fer what's in the sack big guy?!'

Gambler And Umpire

Keep Your End Up

Man at the winnings collection point in the bookie's is asleep.

"Heel."