Spoken Word Pillows

"I hate poems. They're boring and pretentious."

"This next poem is called, 'Never Try to Milk a Bull.'"

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

The Prostate Monologues

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Ban on Free Speech

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Backfire

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.