Spoken Word Prints

"I hate poems. They're boring and pretentious."

"This next poem is called, 'Never Try to Milk a Bull.'"

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

He's more into the spoken word stuff.

He doesn't howl at the moon. He prefers to howl into the void.

Open Mike Night presents Sadie Cohen. You losers and whiners just can't see the truth. Yeah, the economy's down. You're working for peanuts, they've taken your roof … but you need to look around. In Depression days, he had bulbous Babe Ruth, cardboard to eat and no heaters. Now, we're warmed by the heat of our lust … for the buns of Dillon Peters. Make it stop. Baseball is dead to me.

The Prostate Monologues

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Zombie standup

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Ban on Free Speech

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Backfire

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"