Spiteful Strategist Gifts

"I gave up smoking to annoy my wife by living longer."

"Cutting off the nose to spite the face."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

Under new blame.

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

Coronavirus Windmills

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Our long-term plan is like our short-term plan, only longer."

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"My favorite tea: hot daffodil-infused chamomile with a hint of whiskey. Are you serious? Of course I'm serious! I've been dosing myself with small quantities of poisonous daffodil ever since 1931. You have to build up an immunity if you want to survive in the cutthroat world of Scrabble tournaments."

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'I still say there are better ways to decide which positions to eliminate!'

'I'll place the bets. You just be sure to hit the hare with the tranquilizer.'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"And when conventional theories don't work, we've got Charnier here to do us a spot of voodoo marketing."

"Saturn. No contest. A deadly, treacherous gas giant ringed by a gossamer halo of ice. It symbolizes both death and life. Both evil and good. It symbolizes existence itself."

'It's true. There was a coup.'

'Look at him with another business model on his arm.'

"My mommy suggested I try a different advertising approach."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"