Ironical Strategist Gifts

"Whenever we talk to staff the work/life issue keeps cropping up!"

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

Under new blame.

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

Coronavirus Windmills

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

"My favorite tea: hot daffodil-infused chamomile with a hint of whiskey. Are you serious? Of course I'm serious! I've been dosing myself with small quantities of poisonous daffodil ever since 1931. You have to build up an immunity if you want to survive in the cutthroat world of Scrabble tournaments."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'It works all the time: Light a candle and dinner comes to you...'

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'I still say there are better ways to decide which positions to eliminate!'

'Now listen: Based on the position of the kennel and the length of the leash, only the shaded part of the garden is dangerous...'

'I'll place the bets. You just be sure to hit the hare with the tranquilizer.'

'Our company needs a tougher image. So from here on out we'll answer the phone with the greeting, 'what the hell do you want?!'

"My mommy suggested I try a different advertising approach."

'It's true. There was a coup.'

'Look at him with another business model on his arm.'

Site of new Super Gamblers Anonymous.

"And when conventional theories don't work, we've got Charnier here to do us a spot of voodoo marketing."

"Saturn. No contest. A deadly, treacherous gas giant ringed by a gossamer halo of ice. It symbolizes both death and life. Both evil and good. It symbolizes existence itself."

"I hope someday someone steals my identity and makes something out of my life."

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."