Spiritual Skeptic Gifts

'It may look that way... But actually, I'm an atheist

Actual Results May Vary

"Nothing is as it seems, my son."

It was not going well.

'...I can accept that bad things sometimes happen to good people. What drives me nuts is how all the good things always seem to happen to people I can't stand!'

"Trust me. It's not a God-given right."

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

How do medicines work? They don't! All they do is give God time to heal the body!

"I'm not praying. I was just looking for a quiet and shady place to use my smartphone."

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

First Church of Money: Today's Sermon 'Salvation Through Investment Income'.

'Does it say anything about secular humanism'

'How do we know YOU'RE not bearing false witness?'

"Dont believe anything those guys have told you. None of it. It's all B.S."

"Yeah! Well, I don't believe in karma."

"A cult? What makes you think it's a cult?"

'I'd like to drop this whole believing in God thing.'

'There's more to life than winning; there's also taking losses as tax write-offs, That's it?'

"You were a schlub in all of your previous lives, too."

'Do I ever wonder about a higher power? No, I wonder what's on TV.'

"He has a problem. He's an atheist."

'This one contains the commandments that will make people ENJOY life! Ha ha, just kidding.'

'First skeptical church - Sermon Sunday: the Noah story.'

'So it wasn't b*****t after all.'

'Just a heads up. The 'Big Guy' is not a fan of religion.'

"What if the pushy use it all UP first?"

"So it wasn't bullsh*t after all."

'Thank God I'm an Atheist.'

"Sure, it's Good News, but is it fake news?"

Church Growth

"Have you noticed you perceive God's opinions as being the same as your own?" "That you consider only the parts of the Bible you like to be his?" "That's because you are God." "And he only exists in your mind." "God thinks you're a jerk!"

"It may look that way. . . but actually I'm an atheist."

"Before I tell your fortune, the crystal ball needs permission to access your files, peripheral devices, apps, programs, contacts, calendar, and location."

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

"Just so you know, I tithed last week and haven't received any blessings yet."