Spiritual Guides Gifts

"I used to say 'Live and Learn' but now I say 'make one mistake and it'll be all over the internet and then you're screwed."

'It's SUPPOSED to be quiet up here!'

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Ooh, ooh, I know this koan! I got it! Pick me! Pick me!"

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

"Oh, ah, sorry!"

"Home depot."

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

'Enlightenment isn't EITHER overrated!'

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

Flyfishing for dummies.

'Oh, I'm not a guru -- I'm just big on personal space.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

'Truth is fine, but I really need marketable ideas.'

'I knew if we waited long enough, heaven would downsize.'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"Tell her she's dead. I don't want to talk about the relationship."

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

"Honey, I’ve found God!"

Priest

Jesus's First and Less-Heralded Miracle Walk,

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

'You must heal yourself.'

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'