Soup Cynic Gifts

'This tastes like dishwater.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? "Death of a Salesman." Adapted to a fly, of course.

Obama builds own gallows.

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'What you need is some negative growth.'

"I'm sorry to say your husband took so many antioxidants, he suffocated."

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'

Hospital food. Because you're just not sick enough.

'Two beef and pork by-products and a turkey dog, please!'

"My new health plan only allows in network complaining."

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

'You've got me. Is it animal, vegetable or minestrone?'

I Hate Alphabet Soup.

'French onion soup. Hold the soup.'

'-and not only was my soup COLD - but the fly in it had frostbite!'

"Of course your data isn't really in a cloud. That's almost as silly as thinking your money is actually in this bank."

Pinata suicide note: 'Cruel World, You see? Your parents were right. Eat your veggies. Candy is bad for you. Bad, Bad, Bad. Pinata.;'

"It's sugar, fat, gluten and lactose free...They say it will help you live longer."

Recipes from The I-Seriously-Don't-Care Cookbook.

'Horsemeat in pies, eh, sir, who can you trust nowadays?'

Severe Food Criticism.

We value your privacy. . . . . yeah, right.

"Dinner is on the table. Just not prepared."

Just Say No to Chicken Soup

"You know, I really, really, don't like ethnic restaurants."

Such a Coincidence

"Yeah, you're right, these can cause long term health issues. But trust me, for you that's not gonna be a problem."

"Families depress me."

'I like to keep up-to-date with the movies I'll be hating next year.'