Soup Satirist Gifts

'-and not only was my soup COLD - but the fly in it had frostbite!'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

"Don't worry about it now, but I'll need that hook back when you're done."

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Edna, I fear our love doesn't have a future... My parents would eat you!

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? "Death of a Salesman." Adapted to a fly, of course.

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

'People soup again?'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

'For obvious reasons the chowder's made with chicken and pork.'

Stay at home

Commie Chef.